finding cash

carolyn says that if you chant out loud, that you are actually affecting the universe, creating the change that you are wishing to see. something buddhisty she decided to share the other day, and I'll take anything right now. very hungry for words that heal.

for the past few days, I've been chanting: it is over. what's next? this to rid myself of this nagging feeling that this thing that i've recently lost could be found again and brushed off and put back together and life would go on all blissful-like again. as if what i had was so perfect that finding it again and repairing it was my only hope. it was not perfect. and repair is not going to happen, and my sister finally made this so crystal clear to me (thank you sweet sister), but my heart continues to hurt in a strangely physical way as i try to accept this change. this loss. i do wonder how a chest can squeeze so tightly from sadness when it is all in ones head isn't it?

today on my way to work, I changed up the chant: something amazing is going to happen today something amazing is going to happen today something amazing is going to happen today

i had decided that instead on focusing on the "over" part today, that just for a little while, i'd turn a little attention toward the "next"... not necessarily in a "who" kind of way. more of a "what."

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so because over the weekend i bought a washer and dryer, the plan today was to meet the delivery guys AND my cableman between 3 & 5. (three men. why not?). anyway, washer/dryer called to say they'd be early, and could i come at 12:15? i could. then phone rang again, and cable man called to say in thick brazilian accent: i do come early today, you can meet about 12:15?

something amazing is going to happen today

so i left my office at 11:45 but decided to do a quick errand, stopping by my old bank, back in the safe, clean, storybook neighborhood i just moved from. i have spent a few weeks now, regretting my return to the grittier shaw, where i was certain i'd eventually encounter dangerous criminals and roving gangs because the neighborhood is so different than the pristine lines of houses and perfect lawns neighborhood we'd just spent a year in (and because i'd been burglarized a few times in shaw, but my point is perception here, not past experience). anyway, i ran into the bank in the shiny part of town, to change my address and name on file and before we got started, the bank man said: "you just missed all the excitement. the cops just left; they were everywhere. we had someone trying to get cash from a teller--first trying to pass a bad check, then demanding it. it was pretty intense."

and i thought, wow. this really is amazing. my paradigm just shifted. the shiny part of town has bad guys too? and i just missed a bank hold up? here in pleasantville? maybe shaw is not so gritty afterall.

something amazing may have just happened today?

and i continued home. and when i got there, the brazilian cable guy was on the front porch all tall and dark haired and mysterious looking. or stoned. and i said: i need to put my dog in a room so he doesn't bother you, and i opened the door and called for cash. then i made a joke about him being a terrifying guard dog, so stand back cableman, and then called for him again. then i hollered for him, and then i screamed for him as the realization hit me that he was not in the house. that after i'd let him step out back this morning, and casually reminded my daughters to keep an eye on him (our fence is not yet installed)...that each of us must have looked away just long enough for him to disappear, and nobody noticed this as we locked up and pulled away for school and work.

i don't know my neighbors yet
i will have to tell my kids that their dog is gone
i did not have a collar on him or a chip in him or a fence for godssake

and i ran down the alley a ways calling his name and starting to cry and dialing carolyn. she just always knows what to do. and maybe there was a buddhist chant for getting your cash back? and she said, as she always does: i'll be right there. and i ran out the front door as the cableman looked at me like i was crazy and i said: go ahead, install some more tv, 1,000 channels just isn't enough, and the washer dryer truck pulled up to me running down the sidewalk shouting to a random man on a ladder: have you seen a loose dog? white? no collar? and he said no, and i turned around and about eight houses in the other direction i saw this older woman getting into a car so i ran towards her.

and her eyes went wide and she assumed i was going to rob her, because this is shaw.

but i said please, have you seen a dog running around loose today? i've lost my dog! and she said: what kind of dog is it? and i said a yellow lab. a big yellow lab. and she looked thoughtfully around the inside of her head for a minute and she finally said: does it have white hair? a really big guy? kind and sweet? and i said YES!! THATS HIM!! and she said (way too slowly): there is a man in that house over there and he took him inside after the dog was following a friend of mine who had her dog on a leash (ouch). and the man was going to call lab rescue, oh, i hope he didn't already call them! come on over this way, he's right in here... and she said what is his name? and i said CASH! and suddenly, a lattice gate crackled into bits and my dog came jumping through it and straight into my arms like Lassie returning to Timmy, or Benji rescuing those two rope-tied, gagged children in that sweet little movie from my youth (there's a whole 'nother story there. hog tied, kidnapped children, knives, guns? age-appropriate entertainment anyone?) or Free Willy jumping out to sea. Well not like Free Willy. But was all in slow motion like a movie stunt, and it was amazing.

the man was not home to thank, but i'll go back later today. the woman, her name was millie. when i was little i had a cherished, handmade doll named millie, who disappeared when i went off to college. i've missed her ever since. but now i live across from millie, who helped me find Cash when i was really down and out.

something amazing is going to happen today. wait for it....wait for it.....